The only (kind of serious) blog I'll do

Through out my life I have always had one major goal. That goal was to make people happy. In fact the compliment that i received from my friend Etta Kasalek is still the most cherished of all when she said " I always feel better after I'm around you then i did before".More than often I have tried humor to accomplish the goal because it affords the least amount of real emotion and that way avoid dramatic situations. It all began in the third grade when I was in charge of the telling of "Twas the Night before Christmas" through a small skit. Since I was in third grade and didn't actually learn the lines ( I guess I don't change that much if you were to ask Kristina about the pole dancing video we made ) I simply started into a slapstick set a kin to possibly the three stooges. This went on for a good ten minutes, and the other kids were eating it up even if the teacher wasn't. Hell I don't remember my grade for that assignment but I do remember going from the "too afraid to talk to the teacher so I'll sit here and wet my pants, play alone at recess kid", to the "class clown, ask for the restroom pass kid". I will on occasion still wet my pants just to keep it real however. That ballooned into the mimicry and emulation of the late Chris Farley in my High School years. Now hopefully, my hope anyway, I've been able to have a more sophisticated humor as an adult (not including the joke about still wetting my pants, and yes it was a joke, and for the record I stopped that in the first grade.mostly). Although humor did seem to bring people joy it was still kind of surface so I decided some years ago if I thought something was nice about a person or something I liked, I would just say it. I felt enough people are around to make us understand how insignificant we are, that what if they actually new their potential or how they were actually viewed by others.
Sometimes however, like the rest of us, my decision making skills and thought process can be, well, ridiculous. Once in a while I think the best coarse of action is to push myself away and try to disappear so they don't have to be bothered. A perfect example of that occurred at work this past week. I said something to a co-worker that I didn't even think twice about and went on my merry way. To her it was very different. She was quite mad. I know this because of the flames jumping from her eyes and nose every time I spoke. I knew I had really done it but I didn't quite know what I had done, so I went to my favorite bag of humor, which of course only worsened the situation. Like eating a hot pepper and using water to cool your mouth, all I did was spread the heat and make it worse. through out the week I tried to apologize and smooth things over, but when that didn't seem to be working to me, I went Jackass up again and decided it's better for me to just let her be, and remove myself so the next shift I worked with her I decided to be cordial, speak when spoken to, don't ask any personal questions and all would be right.You genius Phil. Well of course not all was right, and she just figured I was ignoring her. I hadn't done anyone any favors and then we were both pissed.
Another example is of a woman was dating a friend of mine. She had begun to have feelings for me and I assume talked to my friend about it because he called me and told me I should date her. I was conflicted because of the relationship she had with my friend and so I hatched another great scheme. I would be deliberately mean to her so she would stop liking me, and the situation would be resolved. It's a wonder I'm not married right? So I went through with this great plan of mine and all I did was smash down an already fragile friend. She is happily married now with children, but I could have made life much easier for both of us. By trying not to break her heart I ended up hurting her anyway probably worse.I'll stop with those examples for the sake of my self esteem
In my psychology class they call this... just kidding, I don't give a damn what they call it. I just know life is too short, and good friends are too few for me to try to push them away. Instead I should do everything possible to hold on to them. If you fit this category(and there are many of you, men and women) then I am sorry, but just know I am indeed trying to change, as we all should.