John, A Witch,The good doctor, and I

My friend John Baker is one of a kind. When most people have an idea,they quickly assess the old pros and cons. John, he mostly sees the pros and will worry about the cons maybe never. Because of this John has had many adventures. Like the time he had me drop him off on the side of the freeway in California, so he could hitch hike to Las Vegas to see his girlfriend (now wife) for the weekend. I have had the fortune of playing a role in some of these experiences. One such adventure takes me back a few. It was during the NBA finals when the Utah Jazz were playing the Chicago Bulls. My friend John Baker decided that we should be a part of that history. The only problem we had, except for not having tickets, is that we were 20 miles away from Salt Lake City and we were without a car. Normal people would think maybe we could just watch it on a TV. But John wouldn't be John if he settled that easily. We found some broken down bikes in my back yard and off we took to a game. We had no tickets to the game or any air in our tires. as we rode straight up state street it was very noticeable that everyone in the whole state was watching the game due to the lack of traffic, everyone but us. We arrived at the delta center late in the third quarter. They were broadcasting the game across the street on a giant screen. As we looked for a place to sit we happened into pretty much every person we knew, and of course they all offered a belated ride if they had only known. The game was supposedly one of the finest finals games ever. It was the game that Micheal Jordan had the flu and still beat the Jazz. personally I wouldn't know because for most the game I was biking. The game was the least interesting event of the night anyway.

At the end of the game, while following Johns lead, we entered the Delta Center as everyone else was exiting. We started to make our way down to Bill Walton who was calling the game, when I looked up and saw that Julius Erving aka Dr J. was up at the NBC booth. I happened to be wearing my Dr. J 2000 sneakers at the time and thought of how great it would be for him to sign them. As we made it half way to the Doctor, we saw Brian Williams later to be known as Bison Dele doing an interview. I told Brian that I thought he sucked, and he angrily stared up at us. John took the look as a challenge and picked up a paper sign that said "Brick" on it. He then ripped the bottom of the B off so the sign said "prick" and held it up so if Brian were deaf he'd still know how we felt about him. He got the message because he looked like he was about to charge. We did what all people should do after angering a giant, we ran. When we made it to The NBC booth I did get to talk to Dr J, but he wouldn't sign my shoes because of a contract deal or some crap. I was pretty disappointed but I did get to converse with the doctor of dunk.

Again putting myself on cruise control and just following John, we somehow ended up behind the Delta Center where we met then University of Utah coach Rick Majerus. He signed our prick sign without smiling. and waited with us to see the Jazz players. We got tired of waiting and started to leave when Dr. J. made his second appearance. Now feeling bold I told Dr. J. if "I ever get famous I'll give you my autograph " He told me something I've pondered for years. He said "that's good, put a "w" in it" . I asked John "did he just tell me to put a "w" in it?" All John could say is " I think so". After Dr. J's entourage of finely suited men pulled him away from our chat we figured our night was full and started our long journey home. It was only as we exited that someone asked us for credentials to be in the restricted area.

John and I were about half way home when we decided to stop at Wayne's Corner Market. We left our bikes outside and walked in. The cashier quickly told us we shouldn't leave our bikes alone for even a second. We however weren't worried because our bikes were so crappy we were sure we could catch the thieves on foot. When we left the store I had perhaps the most traumatizing experience of my entire life. There was a woman by our bikes, who looked as if she had been smoking the minute she exited the womb. She also had a very loose fitting shirt on with no bra on underneath. I quickly looked away only to have her bring my attention back with the comment "It's colder then a witches tit, I can't catch a cab, and my tits are going to freeze off." At that moment I kind of wish they had frozen off, because my eyes wanted to be burnt out of my scull. She went on to say the word "tit's" about 10 more times. Since then that has been the dirtiest, most offensive word in any vocabulary for me. We finally reached home around 330 in the morning and as I pondered my journey and realized had I just watched the game in the comfort of my home like I planned instead of following John, I sure would have missed out, and I wouldn't be able to tell you what a witches tit looks like.

The only (kind of serious) blog I'll do

Through out my life I have always had one major goal. That goal was to make people happy. In fact the compliment that i received from my friend Etta Kasalek is still the most cherished of all when she said " I always feel better after I'm around you then i did before".More than often I have tried humor to accomplish the goal because it affords the least amount of real emotion and that way avoid dramatic situations. It all began in the third grade when I was in charge of the telling of "Twas the Night before Christmas" through a small skit. Since I was in third grade and didn't actually learn the lines ( I guess I don't change that much if you were to ask Kristina about the pole dancing video we made ) I simply started into a slapstick set a kin to possibly the three stooges. This went on for a good ten minutes, and the other kids were eating it up even if the teacher wasn't. Hell I don't remember my grade for that assignment but I do remember going from the "too afraid to talk to the teacher so I'll sit here and wet my pants, play alone at recess kid", to the "class clown, ask for the restroom pass kid". I will on occasion still wet my pants just to keep it real however. That ballooned into the mimicry and emulation of the late Chris Farley in my High School years. Now hopefully, my hope anyway, I've been able to have a more sophisticated humor as an adult (not including the joke about still wetting my pants, and yes it was a joke, and for the record I stopped that in the first grade.mostly). Although humor did seem to bring people joy it was still kind of surface so I decided some years ago if I thought something was nice about a person or something I liked, I would just say it. I felt enough people are around to make us understand how insignificant we are, that what if they actually new their potential or how they were actually viewed by others.
Sometimes however, like the rest of us, my decision making skills and thought process can be, well, ridiculous. Once in a while I think the best coarse of action is to push myself away and try to disappear so they don't have to be bothered. A perfect example of that occurred at work this past week. I said something to a co-worker that I didn't even think twice about and went on my merry way. To her it was very different. She was quite mad. I know this because of the flames jumping from her eyes and nose every time I spoke. I knew I had really done it but I didn't quite know what I had done, so I went to my favorite bag of humor, which of course only worsened the situation. Like eating a hot pepper and using water to cool your mouth, all I did was spread the heat and make it worse. through out the week I tried to apologize and smooth things over, but when that didn't seem to be working to me, I went Jackass up again and decided it's better for me to just let her be, and remove myself so the next shift I worked with her I decided to be cordial, speak when spoken to, don't ask any personal questions and all would be right.You genius Phil. Well of course not all was right, and she just figured I was ignoring her. I hadn't done anyone any favors and then we were both pissed.
Another example is of a woman was dating a friend of mine. She had begun to have feelings for me and I assume talked to my friend about it because he called me and told me I should date her. I was conflicted because of the relationship she had with my friend and so I hatched another great scheme. I would be deliberately mean to her so she would stop liking me, and the situation would be resolved. It's a wonder I'm not married right? So I went through with this great plan of mine and all I did was smash down an already fragile friend. She is happily married now with children, but I could have made life much easier for both of us. By trying not to break her heart I ended up hurting her anyway probably worse.I'll stop with those examples for the sake of my self esteem
In my psychology class they call this... just kidding, I don't give a damn what they call it. I just know life is too short, and good friends are too few for me to try to push them away. Instead I should do everything possible to hold on to them. If you fit this category(and there are many of you, men and women) then I am sorry, but just know I am indeed trying to change, as we all should.

Heroes Beware

In the movie Bottle Rocket, Luke Wilson's character after they knock off a book store said "well I'll tell you one thing I actually learned is, crime doesn't pay". I think that I've learned in my life being a hero pays even less. I did grow up like every other boy, admiring firemen. I was a Boy scout until they asked me not to come anymore. I would read story's on the back page of the scouting magazine Boys' Life which was always reserved for a Boy Scout who saved someone or did some other heroic deed. I dreamt of an opportunity to get that kind of fame. Well I did get my opportunity and then some, but fame turned out to be a fickle mistress. More like a kick in the crotch . Here are some examples of what I mean.

One day, while minding my own business and playing a sweet game of NBA JAMS I was was interrupted by a neighbors screaming. I went outside and could decipher her panicked screeches saying "My house is on fire". So i calmly walked around back grabbed her garden hose and doused the flames. I told her it's not on fire anymore and returned

to my game. When the fire truck arrived, I was informed that they were looking for me. I practiced my" Ah shucks it was nothin boys" speech on the way back over. that would be in vain because when I arrived at the house the only thank you I got was a "that was very foolish" Luckily another neighbor of mine Phil Musumeci was there to announce to the gathered crowd in his fine Italian accent "Don't listen to them, He's a G'damn hero!"

Another example was when I was swimming in the pacific ocean with a cousin. the current

was taking him further and further out. It was difficult for me as well and I realized that we were about to be screwed. I knew I could get back to shore but my strength was going fast trying to swim while pushing my cousin in the the waves. I made a decision that we would both make it back or we would both drown and so I continued to throw my cousin with every wave and yell "now swim!" Luckily my aunt was on the beach and flagged down some surfers to help us. Upon arriving back to the rest of the group my aunt started crying and my grandmother, thinking it was because of something I did (in her defense she was very ill) told me she would rip my balls off. Just hearing you're grandma say balls is traumatizing, much less the thought of castration by her hands.

I once stopped to help a stalled car by pushing it through an underpass. I apparently forgot to stretch properly and my knee cap dislocated, which with other factors started a decline of my knee and led to my knee looking and feeling the equivalent to an eighty year old mans knee.

I had to preform the Heimlich on a guy at work and was actually rewarded for that one with employee of the month only to have a co-worker corner me and

tell me I got it because the boss is biased and since then she has been relentlessly complaining about my poor work ethic.

I also had the audacity to call the cops on a man beating his wife. My fine reward for that, being late to football practice so I had to do 400 push-ups. And as a bonus the cops told the guy who called so he was looking to beat me now.

My latest act however has not bitten me yet. I ran down and cornered a man who was running from the police. It was a female officer and i felt bad that dude was about 300yards in front of her, so I joined in and caught him and told him the lady wanted to talk to him. When the officer finally caught up to us, about three minutes later she pulled her gun on dude and yelled for him to get on his knees and I, learning from previous mistakes took the opportunity to fly out of there like I did when they handed me my high school diploma. I was half way home before they even realized i was involved. All I could think is thank yous be damned. Nothing bad happened And that was Joy.

I'm told that I'll get my reward in heaven, but I want it now, in cold hard cash. I guess it doesn't matter because if I keep helping people with my luck I'll be seeing that heavenly reward sooner than later.

A note of warning:In all of my blogging time I have always enjoyed comments and have never erased any, but I will here on this post if anybody tries to politicize this post with comment like "what about the soldiers, when they're giving their lives only to have people protest?" Or don't try the religious lecture of" how do you think Jesus feels?" The answer is, however he wants to feel I guess. I am obviously writing this post with a facetious tone and if you don't get that then you're not that cool anyway, and if you defy me you will pay. maybe not pay, but I'll probably just erase your comment. If there is any lesson to learn here it's that you should probably do good things because it's the right thing to do. It sometimes is a true sacrifice and that means you don't get Jack back in return. But Who really cares if you get your story in Boys' Life. Screw you Boys' Life. your name kind of sound like a dirty mag anyway.

The 10 things of Annelissa Crane

This blog post is dedicated to Annalissa Crane. It is her ten best qualities. Before I begin I'm sure people have questions such as: Who is she? Is she your girlfriend? Are you stalking her? Did she pay you to do this? All of these are fare questions(especially the one about stalking) and I will answer them all in the timely fashion of never. Except for her sake I will tell you she's not my girlfriend. I don't want her to sue me for misrepresentation.
So lets begin
10. Her house always smells wonderfully. never was a time when I entered to have my senses disappointed
9. Her Job. I don't know exactly what she does but she works at a hospital so I'm pretty sure she's important.
8. Her devotion to her church. She is not afraid to leave somewhere at 6 am in the morning on a Sunday just to make sure she can make it to her 1 pm services and be prepared. I've seen her do it.
7. Her demeanour. She usually isn't the loudest in the room but she doesn't have to be either. The party seems to come to her rather than her trying to earn it.
6. Her skills in a canoe. she has a fine rhythm and power set she can get us around the lake as if the boat were on tracks.
5. She is very encouraging. She always remembers the thing you told her you were up to, whether it's very strange(which most of mine are) or even very little. She is 100% positive about it. She never will say "that's silly" or "you'll never do it".
4.her straight up kindness. rumor has it she'll just make you cookies if you're having a rough day. I've never experienced that but I don't usually have rough days either.
3.Her laugh. she doesn't have a giggle that I've heard. she either all out laughs or looks at you like you're a dummy, so you know if you are funny or not.
2. Her smile. like her laugh it is very sincere, yet mysterious like she knows you a little bit more than she should so you might as well just tell her everything anyway.
And that leads me to number ONE. Her eye's. I defy you to try and stair into them. you'll crack in seconds. It's like trying to look into the Sun because of their radiance. Okay that's cheesy, but true I don't think I've made it past four seconds yet and I've actually stared at the Sun for five.